Drowning Butterflies
by CailenBraern
Summary: Sam tries desperately to explain his feelings. ~update! new chapter added, please, please review!~
1. Drowning Butterflies

I can't swim sir.  
  
So how can it be, that while I stand here gazing into your eyes, I feel like I am drowning?  
  
It feels so real, and yet I still draw breath.  
  
Begging your pardon, sir but whilst we were on that dreadful quest I never really took the time to stand back and appreciate your beauty. I was over come wit fear and duty I suppose, but now that it's all over, now that we're back home safe and sound, I've had more time to think, about all that we've been through.  
  
We've been through more than most, I dare say, and I don't mean to sound imposing or anything, but it's made me appreciate what I had then, and what I have now.  
  
You, sir.  
  
I hope you don't mind me sayin' so, and if you do, well then you have a right to. It's like the Gaffer always says, 'One of these days' he says, 'you'll talk so hard, your tongue will drop off by cause of weariness.' This is something I just have to say, but of course it's coming out all wrong. I can never get straight to the point now, can I?  
  
Like this it is sir. I remember a time, long ago it was. Long before we started on the quest. It was probably around the time Gandalf came to the shire, when Bilbo was still around. Ah yes, it was around your birthday, I remember now. I was a shy young thing then, and you only had to mention the name 'Rosie' and I would turn a shade of scarlet somewhat darker than you've ever seen, but since we've been back, and the shire was restored, I've been able to sit down with her and have a good long talk, discussing things you see. And I realized something then that is the real reason I'm saying all this to you.  
  
Being around Rosie now just don't give me the same butterflies as what it used to, and it wasn't until I came to work at Bag End the morning after that talk that I found out why.  
  
You were sitting in your study as always, facing the window, though the curtains were drawn. I knocked three times and carefully opened the door whilst balancing a tray filled to the brim with bacon, eggs, toast tea and all good food fit for a king on my left hand. I walked in and set the tray at your desk and after I had opened the curtains and filled the dark room with sunlight, you looked up at me, with a grateful smile, as if I were the only one in your world. And I saw your eyes for the first time.  
  
That was when I started drowning sir, and the butterflies came back.  
  
All this may come as a shock to you, though I'd like to hope that it doesn't, but ever since the quest, since those years of sleeping, eating, drinking, resting, travelling, fighting and being along side you and looking after you, I grew to love everything about you.  
  
And I don't mean to sound rude or presumptuous sir, although I'm well aware that that's how it's sounding, I'm not well-blessed at speeches as like you, but I reckon now that I know you better than any lass might ever learn.  
  
That's all I wanted to say sir. That I love you. More than an servant should ever love his master, and if you can't understand or live with that, then I'll go sir. I'll go but I won't want to. I never want to leave you now, Mr. Frodo, but if you say the word then I will. I respect your wishes that much.  
  
But I really need to know see, to find peace of mind, to stop wondering constantly. And so I need to know, what you want sir, because this is all about you. I only want to make you happy, and if I've jeopardised any chance of that happening then perhaps it really is best if I leave now.  
  
So what'll it be sir? Stay,  
  
or go? 


	2. Lonely Sun

Special thanks for those that reviewed me; you know who you are. I'm really grateful for all the nice things you said and I hope this meets your expectations.  
  
It occurred to me that I didn't add a disclaimer last chapter, but I think if you need me to tell you that I don't own the characters or the setting or practically anything in this story, then you don't know who does, and so why are you reading this?  
  
Anyway, onto the next chapter, which sees things from Frodo's point of view  
  
I'm always alone. I feel it in the bottom of my heart. Since that perilous journey, the possession of the Ring has driven me to feel an indescribable longing for that which I cannot have. Such things I have endured I cannot share with anyone, not even you, my own. That's why I feel so alone.  
  
Only, for as long as I can remember you have always been there for me, to help me, guide me, look out for me and to fight for me. I cannot remember a time where there was not you. And if I can remember a time, then I had Bilbo, and you were not far away. For all those years we were on that quest you were with me to the bitter end and you endured much more than I ever wished you would not.  
  
You came face to face with death, and not with Gandalf. For a brief period of time, I was, to all witnesses, dead. And I only know that if I had been in your position, and to see you dead in front of me, I most surely could not have gone on. The ring would have me there and then, if you were not with me. I cannot bear the thought of you gone, for you are the sunlight in my garden. If you were not there, then I would have withered and died.  
  
Now that we are home, and that treacherous band is destroyed, life has resumed its natural course. Yet now I feel lonelier than ever before.  
  
You come and see me as often as you can, in between other jobs, restoring the shire back to its natural beauty and such, yet more often than not you come in to perform your duties. I miss your company more than anything in the world, and without it I feel like I am fading into a shadow, into a wraith.  
  
When night comes though, when blissful sleep comes we are on the road again. Though thankfully this time we are not seeking to destroy anything, nor are we on a quest. We travel across middle-earth, exploring those parts that Bilbo did not get to reach, and there is lightness in my heart, which has not been there for some time.  
  
I miss our conversations Sam, I miss being able to sit with you, in silence mostly and enjoy each other's company, and I miss everything about you, now that we are home. Sometimes I stand for hours at my window, watching you while you tend to the garden or to the gate or cook meals, and I wonder just how you feel about me?  
  
While we were on the quest, you always went out of your way to make sure if I was feeling well, or eating enough and such, and it seemed to me like I was someone special, going on this brave adventure because nobody else could. And because I was important you felt like you had to protect me, and look after me. But since we've been back you've hardly spoken to me, preferring to weed the garden or oil the squeak in the gate. Am I not important any more? Do I not mean anything to you? Am I not the friend I once was?  
  
Don't think that because I employ you in my service that you cannot be my friend. Pay no heed to how the gaffer thinks the working class should behave. You have proven yourself to be beyond working class. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty, and for that I love you. If I could have a choice between the best gardener in the shire and the best friend in middle-earth, I know which one I would choose.  
  
I need you, to fill the emptiness in my life. To restore the joy in my heart, to rid the loneliness I feel. I need your sunlight to make my branches reach out to the skies. I need you here with me. I'm begging you Sam, come back to me. Keep me company.  
  
Stay. 


	3. Respectful Attachments

I never meant to push you away sir. I never meant to stop caring. In fact I never did  
  
I never stopped caring for you, in some ways that was the problem sir. All the while during my childhood the gaffer impressed on me all manners and right ways of speaking, and all things proper. Always treat your master with respect, nothing more, nothing less. Don't go getting too attached, because you're not of their class, you just mind your business and tend to your plants. Don't go getting ideas above your station.  
  
And that's what I did sir. Before we went on that quest. I was your friend, yes by all means, but I kept my distance. Kept my mind focused on the reason I turned up to Bag End, to garden.  
  
But spending that time with you, on the quest, that changed my life in more ways than once sir, and turned my world upside down.  
  
I treated you with much more than respect as the months passed. I started to care about you, and not just whether you were hurt or in danger. I cared about whether you were happy, and comfortable. I cared that stinker was getting closer to you than I'd like. I cared that if I lost you, then I would lose everything.  
  
I'd lose everything because despite the warnings of my gaffer, I got too attached to you. And what had once started as respect and friendship, had deepened into feelings of love, and devotion.  
  
I realized this when we got back to the shire, and I had to figure out what I was feeling. Because it certainly wasn't proper. The way I feel about you should've been how I felt for Miss Rosie, but it wasn't, not anymore.  
  
And you! I was certain that you wouldn't feel the same way. Why would such a fine, distinguished gentleman like you have improper feelings for his gardener? That's why I distanced myself from you. I didn't want to make you think that I was getting ideas above my station. That I was just looking for extra benefits by ingratiating myself with you.  
  
Because that's not how it is sir. I saw who you are, Mr. Frodo. Who you really are, in the blackness of Mordor. I saw your greed, and your fear, and your suffering, but the strange thing is, it didn't scare me. It didn't push me away. I found myself wanting to hold you and take care of you until all the bad things went away. Because I love you like that.. Frodo.  
  
You are important to me sir. You'll always be important. It's just that you want me to stay with you, to keep you company, but I'm just not sure I can do that sir. It would break my heart, to be so near, and so far.  
  
This is why sir, I've decided to tell you the truth. To tell you about the improper feelings floating around my head and my heart; and screaming around my blood.  
  
I'd understand if you still wanted me to go sir, but there would be nothing more in the world I wanted more than to stay, with you.  
  
If you can find it in your heart to love me as your equal, to see me not as your gardener but your partner then I'll stay with you. I'll keep you company and fill the loneliness in your hearts.  
  
But if all I feel for you is respectful attachments, and you feel only friendship from me, then maybe it's best for the both of us if I go.. 


End file.
